Forgiveness

Alone by Edgar Allan Poe From childhood's hour I have not beenAs others were - I have not seenAs others saw - I could not bringMy passions from a common spring -From the same source I have not takenMy sorrow - I could not awakenMy heart to joy at the same tone -And all I lov'd - I lov'd alone -Then - in my childhood - in the dawnOf a most stormy life - was drawnFrom ev'ry depth of good and illThe mystery which binds me still -From the torrent, or the fountain -From the red cliff of the mountain -From the sun that 'round me roll'dIn its autumn tint of gold -From the lightning in the skyAs it pass'd me flying by -From the thunder, and the storm -And the cloud that took the form(When the rest of Heaven was blue)Of a demon in my view ---- Edgar speaks my emotions. But so does Christina Rossetti---- Despised And Rejected Christina Rossetti My sun has set, I dwell In darkness as a dead man out of sight; And none remains, not one, that I should tell To him mine evil plight This bitter night. I will make fast my door That hollow friends may trouble me no more. “Friend, open to Me.”—Who is this that calls? Nay, I am deaf as are my walls: Cease crying, for I will not hear Thy cry of hope or fear. Others were dear, Others forsook me: what art thou indeed That I should heed Thy lamentable need? Hungry should feed, Or stranger lodge thee here? “Friend, My Feet bleed. Open thy door to Me and comfort Me.” I will not open, trouble me no more. Go on thy way footsore, I will not rise and open unto thee. “Then is it nothing to thee? Open, see Who stands to plead with thee. Open, lest I should pass thee by, and thou One day entreat My Face And howl for grace, And I be deaf as thou art now. Open to Me.” Then I cried out upon him: Cease, Leave me in peace: Fear not that I should crave Aught thou mayst have. Leave me in peace, yea trouble me no more, Lest I arise and chase thee from my door. What, shall I not be let Alone, that thou dost vex me yet? But all night long that voice spake urgently: “Open to Me.” Still harping in mine ears: “Rise, let Me in.” Pleading with tears: “Open to Me that I may come to thee.” While the dew dropped, while the dark hours were cold: “My Feet bleed, see My Face, See My Hands bleed that bring thee grace, My Heart doth bleed for thee, Open to Me.” So till the break of day: Then died away That voice, in silence as of sorrow; Then footsteps echoing like a sigh Passed me by, Lingering footsteps slow to pass. On the morrow I saw upon the grass Each footprint marked in blood, and on my door The mark of blood forevermore------ This poem fits me best for how I felt I was treated on TBF. Maybe twere best I rest in death embound. No more for nature to see my face. Cover in dew dropped lace and let no more the world see my shame-filled face. For I only bring out the worst in men or so HE says. So twere better I was dead. No more tears can I shed.

William Cowper

He is one of my favorite poets Brilliant and insane. But loved God with a power to admire No children did he sire. I hope to be as famous someday and loved like Christina Rosseti.

Friendship

Friendship means alot to me. I don't make friends easily. I never have. My mother believes I suffer from Asperger's syndrome and am socially backward. maybe a little. which is why I adore writing. In the coming weeks I hope to get Chapters 14 through 17 completed for my story. I want to show the strong ties that bind the 5 friends together. Carina's friendships with Goliath, Casper and Laran grow stronger, while the spiritual sisterhood between Selena and Carina blossoms. I also hope to show the friendship and deep love the five friends hold for each other. I know I made more enemies than friends these past four months, but life happens and it goes on.

See My Heart

A woman's heart holds secrets. Secrets no man can know. We are mothers, daughters, wives and lovers, but Only we can let our hearts show. I'm sure he won't forgive me, hates me; we'll see. I only wanted to be named Friend but I suppose that was too much to ask. Sorry for intruding your sacred space for trying to make friends. My soul was telling me to go; i told it no. But you showed me the way. Do you hate me? I need to know. I never lie-don't know how. Everything I said on the Forum was the truth. Why would you think I lie? I loved it there. Frequently got in trouble for being there. I felt scapegoated. Still do. But I'm not angry. Melancholy will do.

Questions and Facts

The questions that race around around my head at night keep me awake. For instance, what was it about me they hated? Why was I so despised and reviled? Why were they too cowardly to say anything? It's now secret that I did not really trust the moderators. Most were men and as I said in my previous post, I am a wee bit afraid of men. Unless that man has earned my trust like at least one from there has. But to that end I am afraid of alienating that one. I don't mind that I burned bridges with the rest. As the song says...Burn your bridges and build them back with wealth. Some other questions include what the women thought of me? I know Amber didn't like me much--tolerated me in fact. I am unsure about Courtney or Darcia or the rest. I meant what I said though. I am a good and decent human being. I love my fellow man. I have a wealth of knowledge bubbling inside me, pointless trivia. I just don't get it. Why did I get kicked off? What about the people who spoke harshly to me on the sixth, why weren't they banned? If they did it to me, what's to stop them from doing it to someone else? But I remember what Diane has said, that what goes around comes around. Every one gets their commuppance in time. No one is immune to the rules of Karma. So should they from TBF read this or respond, then I will do my best to turn the other cheek and remember that they are imperfect beings like me. The cliques were not for me there. I was never part of clique in high school--I was a loner with my nose stuck in a book. Oh, but if they knew how badly I have wanted to die the past week, how I downed my medicine with beer ladened with Lobelia praying I would no longer wake to this hateful, hurtful, hellish world, perhaps they would feel differently. At least one man over there took my mention of suicidal ideations seriously. God bless him. Death is not the answer. Living well, living successful, happily and beautifully is the answer. Death comes calling when She calls. No sense in rushing her. But to hear him say I forgive you would make me happy. But I can only pray for it. I can only hope the Archangel Uriel, Angel of Forgiveness inspires pity and empathy in his heart. I will continue to pray for their salvations. They are in need of prayers. They may hate me--but I have never and will never hate any of them. They can accept this as an apology for any transgressions or they can be spiteful and vindictive. It is their choice. I still want bygones to be bygones. Either way, I now longer feel the desire to be a part of the Forum, not even if it meant saving my life. I want to communicate freely with those individuals who are mature enough to accept my apologies. I never meant to invade the sanctity of the Forum nor to intrude my unwelcome presence among you. Forgive me for intruding upon your lives and I will never darken your doorstep again. I merely sought friendship, hoped to make friends, but only found enemies. If I wronged you all in past lives I am sorry. I know I must have wronged you all in past lives for where else would this intolerable hatred of me come from. I can never understand how individuals who have never seen me nor met me can hate me. I don't hate any of you. I never will. It is your choice.

My Heart

I am a sensitive person and I give my heart freely to those who deserve it. I wonder if they are done spying on me, I wonder if they have grown bored and moved on. I don't know; I don't care. Yes, I still care for him. Why not? What is so wrong with caring for someone and loving your fellow man? Nothing. It's what Jesus would want us to do. But dark-souled people who hate the light that white entities bring will do there best to blot that light for they cannot stand the sight of it. Anyone I have called friend in my life I care for and pray for and hope the best for them. So it makes me wonder if so many people see good in me, why the Terry Brooks forum saw only the negative. I never ever belittled anyone there. My conscience is clear on that. It wasn't until I was banned that I wrote that abhorrent post that I later deleted. That was my hurt, my pride speaking, not the true me. The true me use to say the rosary over a particular infant's grave when I was a child. The true me knew enough when to let go of my beloved Little Craig and to let him go Home to the Other Side and I love the image of him sitting on his granddaddy's lap. I no longer feel the need to worry about Terry Brooks Forum. I am content to enjoy the author's books and not worry about folk I'm likely to never meet. Besides, if what Sylvia Browne says is true, we all charted our lifetimes with the agreement to meet and learn and I believe in what Sylvia says. I charted my lifetime and it was done in order to enrich my soul. But I did meet a number of dark-souled entities over there. I can name at least six. I never forgot what Shawn did on April 6, 2009. I never forget a kindness and the times I do I regret for a long time. But in my own way, I was afraid of him too. I am always afraid of men who have power over me. I fear verbal, mental or physical abuse from men. This fear has been drilled into me since I was a little girl. First from father who beat me with a belt until I had welts the size of a man's two spread hands on my thighs and then from when my 4th grade teacher Mr. Kalata shook his fist at me. I was even afraid of my beloved grandfather after he took Bill the Busdriver's side which ended up in the beating. But still I fear my father. I can remember sitting in the living room as a young woman when on his way to bed he poked my chest and told me they were getting too big. Such fear and humiliation raced through me. I must have cried for hours. I am afraid of men, afraid of angering them. But I am also afraid of telling them I care. I don't know what response I will get so I try to hide it but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I knew that I would be ridiculed and scorned and made fun of if I ever revealed my feelings and from the fleeting view of my friend's computer I was proven right on Shawn's thread about me. I have never ever been so despised in my life and for why is beyond me. I still don't understand why they hated me so, I guess I'll never know. No one was brave enough there to tell me to my face why they hated me nor was HE brave enough to tell me to lay off. At least Philip Diorio, another man I know who rejected me, was brave enough to tell me why he was rejecting me. But like Phil--those memories bittersweet and somber, melancholy and seared into mind--I only wanted for Shawn to call me friend. I never want romantic involvement. HA! why would I want that? I only get hurt when my heart is involved. So now like Phil he hates me and I must live with that. But I am a survivor. I survived Phil. I survived my ex-husband, who did his best to beat me emotionally and mentally, and later tried to strangle me. I survived burying my beloved Little Craig Garasich and letting David and Marilyn be adopted by my sister-in-law. I will get over Shawn Speakman and I will move on. Maybe the man I am destined for I have yet to meet. With God's Holy Grace I will meet him. But for now all I can do is watch and pray and hope. Above all hope.

Poems of me

He can't see my eyes, the hurt or the pain. Or the bloodstain on the cloth where I staunched the blood from my open vein I wanted to die. Why? To give them satisfaction of seeing the way they affected me. I don't lie. I don't forget. Forget is too regret. I never forgot what he did for me, though he said I did. Anger coursed through me the other day. Words said in anger are hasty, unmeant, misspent. But I have scars on my heart and scars on my arms. Again I'll try with the four benadryl, zocor--lobelia and beer. Want to die-end pain--can no longer cry. Tears are spent.

my first week as a canvasser

I like the Census job well enough, I get plenty of fresh air. But my feet aren't use to the walking. thank god it's Mount Carmel so far.

still whirling

Even now, almost a week later, I'm still whirling over how anyone took offense to my statement over at the TBF. I am never insincere--ever! What those people did bordered on meanness and cruelty. It also reflected truer natures than they would normally expresses. Masks were removed and true colors shown. I know I have enemies over there, but I also have at least two defenders, though one would say he wasn't defending me. But to me that man is my knight right now. He has never judged me, never treated me badly. I care for him. I won't say a name, because of what they may think over at TBF. I should have posted that. I love it. He defended me. Thank God for Shawn.

angel poem

Angels are from god's womb guarding and protecting us in our tombs. Preparing us to see the Savior Loving us and guiding us Though sometimes we don't listen to them. I've disappointed my guardian angels many times. Today i saw plenty of signs To return to God's fold And hear is word retold. I read the Bible when I younger. And after last night I have renewed hunger. For god's peace and love Sent from above. Thank you Guardian Angel.

what pictures of angel mean to me

Angels to me mean purity. They mean purity of spirit. One lady missed my meaning completely. The angel i posted is beautiful and dressed in white with the gates of heaven behind her. I meant what I said as a tribute to those special people. they don't understand me. From the sound of things that I have read, it seems to me that inside Evil Homer(trevor) was an angel and his true nature returned to God's Heavenly realm when he died. If she can't see what I mean, I'm sorry. Perhaps she is insulted by my tribute. Ah well, not everyone thinks with their heart. I never knew him and I wish I had. I love Steven Colbert. Angels are special people placed on earth to enlighten and to guide us. Many are born physical, mentally, emotionally handicapped but they are divine spirits that are here for a short time, but impact lives more than anyone can know. And that is what I meant by using my angel as tribute. Angels are beautiful. God put angels among us to guide us in all our ways, not just Christians or Muslims or Jews, but people of all Faiths. I feel for people that can not see inner beauty. I try to forgive, I don't like holding grudges. they poison the soul. I believe their are angels among us and they are the best friends we have in our lives. And those friends who have passed on are by far the the most precious of angels for they have transformed lives they have touched. For those who criticize my tribute to members of the Terry Brooks Forum I am sorry and I will ask my Goddess to inspire the ability for you to see pureness of light and love in a person's soul. For until you can do that you are blind. It is only by seeing with the heart that we truly see.

No More

No More will I be ruled by what others think But only by what I think A life can only be ruined if you allow it to be ruined. People make you a doormat if you allow it. IDon't allow it. I defy you and everyone who hurts me especially myself. I love who I am, I love my life. This is me. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!

About Me

i am a decent human being who like everyone else in this God forsaken world has her foibles and her faults. But I am human, I have feelings. I cry and I laugh. I get angry and I love. Let those who love me, love me. Let those who hate me, hate me. But say nothing against my character. For I am a wonderful person. Max Ehrmann Desiderata Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.